There is the ground that follows me and it’s my cleansing ground. One of the deepest places where my physical and emotional practice happens. It’s the yoga mat that follows my feet, my base.
For quite some time I had one, colored in deep violet. Covered with bruises from SO, SO much movement work. But these bruises through time started to look like emotional ones to me, the ones that were melted down on the floor.
Couple of days ago it hit me, I realised I started to avoid my “old” grounds. That mat (and not just a mat, though that is a bit part of everything, reflection of an inner state). I realised I am not rolling it again, not having a single practice on it. Instead I rather use the grass, my old teaching mats, my dirty floor next to my bed. There is not even a single thought about opening that space, these grounds. They started to become so unfamiliar and disturbing to me. A foreign land.
I rolled it again – but this time only for a picture. And as soon as I did that, the room got so dense and my body and breath heavy. Tension in my chest, neck and feet. I just wanted to get out of it. Open windows. BREATHE again. So I rolled it back together and took it out of from my room.
I realised these are not my grounds anymore, the same feeling occurs with certain situations where I still get myself in and they just aren’t true to me anymore. And I loose my breath, tension rises. That is where I know. That IS NOT my place anymore. I am stepping to new grounds. Leaving that old cocoon behind. And sometimes it is hard, because I feel I am not understood, because it’s hard to explain.
But I am cleaning and coming to my centre. Reshaping my land. Letting go of what is draining me.
It feels there – “in the mat” it is just too much. Too much of everything that I was and was holding onto. Unable to let go. Too scared. So much tension dripped down and now it feels like it’s time to let it go. My energy doesn’t fit there anymore, I just simply can’t go back. My breath isn’t flowing there.
There it is just too much of what I am not, and maybe never was, but I needed to cleanse and grow. To see and live in truth.
It’s time. To detox and explore new grounds and to let fresh wind (breath) come in.
And I am sharing this intimacy with you, because some words just happen to help, to understand that we all have the old and new grounds. Sometimes lava is boiling and destroying everything around, yet when it starts to cool down – it reshapes. New grounds grow. New life settles in. And it could just be a ripening blue lagoon one day. Paradise. If you let it be. Reshaped. Re-rooted. Supported. It’s all a cycle. Nature inside of nature.
Let the new grounds ground.
Photo: Alenka Klinar