I lost my voice, and it kind of feels like I gave it to someone else.
I wasn’t able to hear my OWN vibration and in fear and guilt that I am not giving enough of myself to others – I, like so many times before, suppressed my own vibe even more. My own depth that I am so very afraid to show and express it fully. To say it out loud, how I feel, or what I see. And to also say “no”, “I can’t” or just say it how I feel it – because I don’t want to disappoint, or see that others aren’t happy, or that I can’t give my best. To others.
There is a lack of courage – to make my voice be sound and heard. It stayed somewhere there in my childhood, where all of the depth that I expressed was always suppressed, attacked or misunderstood. It was always muted with aggression and painful rejections. So I started to suppress it myself as well. All of my depth, my truth, my shine. I closed it in. And I used my feelings and my deep nature, deep knowings only to myself and my journals that I kept on writing since an early age.
So after so many, many years, I still get a shaky voice when I want to speak my truth, say something that maybe doesn’t resonate with a thought of someone else,… Interestingly, on the day that I lost my voice, Jehovah’s Witnesses came knocking on my door – and in the shaking of my lost voice (and really uncomfortable feeling in my kidneys – that is fear), I saw myself – how I started to look down on the floor instead into their eyes, when I started to politely explain “why their view doesn’t interests me”. How difficult it is for me to say “No”. To oppose, disapprove. To just have my own opinion and say it. Without a guilt, out loud and look into the eyes. But not in an aggressive way. I had big problems with that in the past – lots of anger in my own voice, when I wanted to share my thoughts – that was all because of fear, that my voice will again be silenced, rejected. And the fear is/was even increased – when I look(ed)into the eyes.
(Agression always roots in fear. Try to observe dog behavior. Sometimes when they meet and especially if they are on the leash, they start to get very angry at eachother, mosty that is because they are scared).
I was also writing this post for several times, but none of the words I wrote felt truthful. None of the words didn’t flow, because I again felt myself like I am looking down to the floor and trying to avoid a contact.
Because of my past I am very careful of who I trust, to whom I show my true depth, my color and my voice. Whom I look straight into the eyes.
And there are days when I am also surprised, how much depth of my own self is left unseen by my deepest of friends as well. How much of myself I am not showing neither to them, because also with them I get that fear of opening, fear that my voice will be rejected, silenced. Again.
And how many times we all do that, pull down the curtain over our own vibrations, rather give our voice to someone else and hide ourselves away, thinking that this is better. Better to give ourselves to others – and NONE to ourselves.
Like that – also the closest to us are not able to see and understand us fully, they are not able to hear the tone of our true voice, to see the true colors of our eyes and have an entrance into our own depth. Because we are not giving them the possibility to let them know us fully. Or we give them that, but sometimes that is simply too late.
So I am pulling my curtain down, raising my head up – so that I can confront my fears and look into the eyes. Because I too,just like you and everyone else, have a depth that is deep. And I don’t want this to be stuck or seen only in my journals. I am giving myself my own voice back from the past into this what I have grown into today. With learning how to accept what was happening and grow with this acceptance.
By giving my voice back to myself, maybe I can make someone find theirs too. And be willing to open and show true depth, the shine, the vibe. To others.
And look straight into eyes. From one soul to another. Without fears, anger that comes from there, but acceptance.
With the courage to show the real beauty of our truth – be sound!