Recently I got a deep call for creating. All what I’ve been doing years ago and left it all hidden somewhere in the closet and a chest that is next to my table in my office. Chest that is filled with colors, painting paper and other creative things that I’ve stored in there and never opened it again.
Truth was, I was closing down my own self worth. The curiosity and creativity that is inside of a being, without a plan to actually create something, just simply answer to the calls of the soul. And follow it.
How many times do we shut ourselves down, that calling, because we think we are not enough, that we are not doing it right, because we are comparing ourselves with others, because it is not in the trends or because someone else thinks it’s nonesense and shuts our voice completely, or because it doesn’t make any profit? And you just simply stop doing it, you close yourself down and just rather follow others, and for your own self think you are nothing, that you don’t know nothing. That you are worthless.
What if your closet, chest is actually something that brings the worth? Listening to YOURself. Something that is worth for you, because it makes you happy, vibrant, that opens you. Also your chest, bellow of your neck. It doesn’t mean that this will be a part of your career, but it can be a part of you. What fulfills you from the inside, will sure soon be able to be felt on the outside as well.
Years ago I started blogging, because it was something that I felt that I needed to do. Sharing words with others, like I am doing now. But I remember being shut down by someone who at that time was very dear to me, who said that it is just waste of time doing this, “why are you doing this?” And because I loved him dearly, I actually started believing in such things and everytime I posted something felt bad about it, because I still had his words in the back of my mind. It was the same with painting lately. Why are you doing this?
On the top of that, there were always these silent poisoned little voices in the back of my mind from childhood. I had some deep “losing your worth” situations when I was little, that left a big mark in my growing years. And it is always there in the back of my mind, something that always brought and still brings fear in everything that I was and am doing.
The most precious people of your life, people that you love – or think that you love, can set the biggest of spark in you, or dim your shine, they can set you on the path of your own calling, or they can make you ignore it to the point that one day you are unable to hear it at all. And you start to avoid and hide your wantings, ways where you want to express yourself or explore yourself, or just simply be yourself. You start to rather be “enough” for them, but not for your own self. Your closet and chest closes down. And you actually start believing this all is nothing. That you are or will be nothing. That it’s worthless and waste of time.
But actualy what is a worhtless thing to someone, can be a treasure to the other. I hid my core, my center, the “essence” for quite a long time, I thought it is not good enough. Or that I really have to try to make it enough. Closed everything down, literally and metaphorically in a closet and chest that is so rich, nourishing and precious. Thought that this is not worth it, that it is not good. Rather left things, spaces for others when actually these were my opportunities, but fears and doubts were bigger than opportunities. I know I am “learning a deep lesson”, learning to know my worth. After a year of self exploration, lots of cleansing, I now with still some blockages though, try to look it from the observative point of view. It scared me and scares me. All the time. In everything that I do, even sharing this now. But it gets easier.
Everyone has its own closet or chest. The chest as where you store things, and the chest where you’ve got your beating heart. Both of them are pretty much the same metaphorically. Some are brave enough to open it and nourish it, and some like me too shy or scared to show it. It is a unique place. If it’s opened – you are nourishing your calls, following your instincts. Feeding your soul. If it’s closed your river starts to get a muddy, poisonous to the point that one day you really cannot even open your treasue anymore, neither to your own self. And the chest, as in your body, also gets blocked, to the point you are unable to feel the “vibrations” of your heart. The tension rises.
HOW MANY – even more interesting stories we would be able to hear, live, be a part of, if everyone would let their inner land shine and speak and not let it get polluted by judgments, comparisments and all of those “know-everything” people that think what is best for you, when they completely miss the magnetism of your compass? How many more opened chests, vibratory and shining”eyes” there would be?
Not shrinking into your own self, scared to follow your compass. You don’t need to be famous, known all around the world, or around in your community. Happiness doesn’t come from that – it comes from just following yourself. Coming to your true nature, and make it WORTH it – self worth it. Maybe if we all would start appreaciating ourselves, knowing our true worth, without those fears who are building anger inside – maybe we would also treat the outside, the nature, the enviroment so much better collectively , because EVERYTHING is a mirror to our own self.
After a lot of years I opened a bag of my camera and I found an old memory card in there, with so many rich memories. One of them is also a picture above and bellow of the blog post. It was taken cca 7 years ago at my backyard and now after seven years it means more to me than on the day I took it. It is a reminder that you and I can do it. Answer the callings, not be afraid to dance, to sing, or whatever call you are getting inside of there. It will open you if you answer it. The chest or closet next to your bed, and the chest of your beating heart and soul. There is a treasure in there. Open it and free it. With the freshness. And braveness that you and I can be, amongs of so many people, also the “know everything” ones and the closest ones – loyal to your own self.
Your nature inside of nature.